Sometimes when you are in the middle of the storm, it feels the hardest. And sometimes you do not understand why, or how, or you’re just scared because everything… everything is changing.
I remember a point in my life where I was scared of change. I didn’t want to let go of a lifestyle that Allah azza wa jal was taking away from me. I felt like I was grabbing on so tight, and it was being ripped from my hands. I felt so lost and confused.
On top of that, I was surrounded by people who weren’t practicing strictly. It made the situation that much more intense.. There was a lot of she-said-she-said, backbiting, suspicions thrown about each other, accusations, etc…They acted on things that they “felt” was right, not what was actually right. I found out people I trusted would talk about me badly, or accuse me of serious things. Therefore, I become a very distrustful person. I felt like I had to build a shield around myself against every single person. This caused me to be a very tense angry person.
I carried that anger with me for a long time. And as time passed, I found ways to pacify it on the surface, but I was still stressed and tense.
There came a point where I was ready to let go, I was ready to let the light in again and I was welcoming change. Alhamdulillah Allah blessed me with a good husband, may Allah protect him and his family. Although even then, the change wasn’t over, Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me a strength to not react to it anymore. “I’ve been through worse” I told myself, as I watched the people I trusted from my past fall away from me, some before marriage because of things like me wearing niqab, some because of assumptions, some just because they chose a different path than mine. I was no longer chasing anything, but I let things fall into place. I trusted Allah azza wa jal with what was happening and believed if someone was supposed to stay, they would. There was a peak in time where my entire social sphere for the past 5 years was no longer there. Although growing up in a relatively nomadic lifestyle- we moved every 2 years- I was accustomed to having to start over often.
Alhamdulillah with a marriage life, I was busy nonetheless. Being very studious in my college years and spending the bulk of my time library rather than home, I was very new to housewivery, and things like cooking and cleaning where relatively foreign to me. And I had a lot to learn.
Alhamdulillah, Allah also guided me to turn to deen in this time. I was new in the path of salafiyyah (following the Prophet SallahAllah Alaihi wa Salam by the understanding of their Companions and students, radiyAllah Anhum-not to be mistaken with unauthorized violent groups that claim that name) and I was always always researching and relearning my deen based on authentic evidence. I wanted to change to fit what Allah azza wa jal had ordered me to do. May Allah guide us, forgive us, and protect us. As far as socially, I was numb about it for a good while. I just enjoyed my family and travelled and pretty much, learning the deen, learning housewivery, overtook all my time. When I started meeting new people, it just reinforced the fact that I was just different when it came to the way I wanted to practice and what I wanted to do and talk about. Not that people are bad, people are generally nice. But I would have rather been alone with my books and research than to be absorbed in socializing with people who weren’t involved in knowledge or community service. I had enough on my record from my past, and I wasn’t eager on adding much more to it, (even though I still do…may allah forgive us.)
Anyway, that brings me to now.
I didn’t really know how much I changed until I saw people from my old social sphere. I felt like it was a different world. I wasn’t really eager on going back to the way I was before. It was tempting, as enjoyments of this world are very tempting, and we are only guided and protected by Allah azza wa jal. It became clear who I used to be. I used to be a girl who claimed she was on the Quran and Sunnah, but in reality, my life was absorbed in everything else but the Quran and Sunnah. I was always socializing, always, things to do, going out with people every weekend, sleepovers, get-togethers, lunch, dinner, halaqas (which obviously wasn’t helping much), traveling…I was wanting to excel in worldly academics, studying long hours… without being able to accurately quote some basics of this deen. Alhamdulillah, I prayed, fasted, and covered, but meanwhile I was drowning in haram in other ways. May Allah forgive us and let us not deviate after He has guided us. Ameen.
It’s been a long road, a hard one, but Alhamdulillah for all the hardships and all the people and things that had fallen away from my life to make room for newer things. It is only by His leave do things happen, and it is only Him we direct ourselves to. May Allah forgive our sins and keep us steadfast. Ameen.
Indeed our salaat, our sacrifices, our life, and our death, is for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.