AssalamAlaykum wa rahmatullah wa baraktuh
I used to be in such a mess. Wa Alhamdulillah. And I knew it was because of my own wrong-doing. I thought I was following the deen, but in reality I was not. May Allah forgive us.
Besides the few halaqas/events, which were taught merely by other sisters who had little to no knowledge, and later I realized that some stories and ahadith related to me were fabricated (story of this betrayal later)… my time was filled with anything but deen… tv, music, etc. My study time was studying organic chemistry.
I would go for halaqas and events, thinking it would benefit me.. but in reality I would just returned to my sin-filled life. May Allah forgive us and guide us.
Bidah upon bidah, major sin upon major sin, I was so lost and confused. Birthdays, baby showers, traveling with no mahram, rebel against family, cutting ties with family, mixing, backbiting, suspicion, not covering properly, no regard of awrah, cursing, Allah Mustaan… and the once or twice a week of seemlingly religious gatherings to make me feel better but …subhanAllah there was no light.
I had to be shaken to be woken up. Shaken until every voice I heard in my head was pleading for forgiveness. What have I done?
In that moment, nothing else mattered.. I didn’t want to see anyone. Not a single person. Later someone asked me, if I would have wanted to be with this person.. in the moment I said yes.. but in my heart I knew that I didn’t want to see a single soul. I remember my thoughts like it was yesterday…
Ya Rab, my Lord, Lord of All the Worlds please, please Please forgive me. Nothing matters but you. La ilaha il Allah Muhammed Ar-rasool. Ya Rab. What have I done, I am among the wrong doers and I am in desperate need for your Mercy. Ya Rab I am so scared, please save me, I need another chance. Ya Rab. Forgive me.
I cannot detail to you the amount of fear I was in. Indeed, I did not deserve to be saved. But Alhamdulillah Allah azza wa jal gave me another chance. For a few weeks, I was in complete denial over what had happened. But there was one verse from Surah Al-Hadid I hung on to:
It is He who sends down upon His Servant [Muhammad] verses of clear evidence that He may bring you out from darknesses into the light. And indeed, Allah is to you Kind and Merciful. (57:9)
I began searching for the truth. I realized I wanted to change and only Allah can help me. I knew what I thought I was doing before was right… but it was not. Looking back, I realized that everything I wanted to do (but didn’t do because of what other people would think), Allah allowed me to do it: Studying deen, wearing niqab etc, Alhamdulillah for this nimah…
Indeed Allah’s azza wa jal brought me out of darknesses, multiple darknesses, into light by way of clear evidence and truth. Alhamdulillah Rab Alameen.
Of course it was not all easy.. everything had to change..my attachment to people had to become much much less than the attachment I had to Allah azza wa jal and this practicing this deen. Some people I distanced from intentionally and others, subhanAllah, was not intentionally, Alhamdulillah Allah azza wa jal is all merciful and is the best of planners. It came with a lot of sacrifices, may Allah aid us and protect us and guide the ones we love.